What we leave behind

From 2004-04-25

Miggie left here around 4:00 AM. Our sculpture is complete and it's beautiful but it's almost unbearable for me to look at.

When I was fifteen years old my IQ tested at 97.

I think that I'm going to cry...

It's like I'm looking through the eyes of someone who once lived and I'm seeing all that I've left behind. I'll try to explain it but I don't think that I can articulate just what it is that I'm feeling.

Remembering... at age 14 I was sitting on a bus bench waiting for my bus to arrive and I'm not sure why I looked up but when I did I saw an old man as he was being hurdled through the air. While crossing the intersection he was hit by a car and just before I looked up I remember having a sensation of what I would describe as a pause in time. And I remember that the background sounds were somewhat muted. Here I was just sitting on the bus bench, my mind wandering and suddenly I felt like I was picked up and hurdled through the air with the old man. In that air born moment I think it's possible that both our hearts ceased to beat. Perhaps this perception came from the 'time pause'...I don't know if the old man had any sort of awareness, if he was able to observe his accident as it was taking place. And if he was aware perhaps he had no awareness of an event which could have been his last life event.

And I wasn't aware at that time that I was possibly experiencing an observation of my own life experiences which had already taken place in my future. An accumulation of what hadn't occurred but I'm not talking about what's usually referred to as predestination or reincarnation. My observation was that everything which would occur in my life had been penciled in; Each day, every week, month after month, year after year to this very moment had already taken place.

After Miggie and I finished our sculpture we watched a movie. It wasn't an emotional movie but half way through the movie I experienced an immense amount of fear and sadness and I felt that I had to get out of the house. I went out to the porch and when looking through the windows I could see most of my sculptures but from the perspective of after my death and when seeing some of what I would be leaving behind I began to weep. It was a feeling of intense loss, of being completely alone.

I stayed in the porch until I felt that I could go back into the house and watch the movie without crying -- I didn't want to upset Miggie anymore than I already have because I think that he has the need to make it all better for me.

What I sensed was that something painful was going to happen to me but then I realized that many painful 'somethings' had already occurred. What took place this past month along with a lifetime of experiencing an immense amount of trauma, the pain of all that I lost had returned. I don't know if I'll ever be able to allow myself to trust people like I once did and without trust I don't know how my heart can heal.

This is about wanting to be remembered and the fear of being forgotten; It's about loss and the solitude that comes with it.


Link to mentioned sculpture here.